One Year Later

It’s been almost a month since I last wrote. I guess life just kind of swept me up, and I didn’t give myself the space to think, let alone write. But today’s different. Today marks a year since a three-year relationship ended. I want to use this post to look back on everything I’ve made it through since then.

April – The breakup. Probably the hardest month of my young adult life. I didn’t just lose a partner—I lost my best friend. The one person I’d been more open with than anyone else. I was completely lost. It felt like a catalyst. Like something that had been bubbling beneath the surface for months, but I never expected it to actually explode—at least not like that. When it ended, it was abrupt. No closure, no ease into it. Just gone. I remember being so fucking angry. Frustrated. Hurt. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I was spiraling. It felt like I had no control over anything. The silence in my room got so loud it physically hurt. Easily the worst experience of my life.

May – Graduated high school. That whole month was a blur. I was still talking to my ex, trying to hold onto whatever scraps of connection were left. She wanted to just be friends, but I couldn’t handle that. Every conversation felt like reopening a wound. I tried to keep busy. Started applying for jobs, anything to fill the time and numb the thoughts. I didn’t care where I worked, I just didn’t want to sit still. I didn’t want to think. Graduation should’ve felt like an accomplishment, but I barely registered it. I was physically there, mentally somewhere else.

June - Landed my first job. Just days after getting my diploma, I was working 40 hours a week selling power drills and screws. I actually liked it. The routine helped. Gave me something to focus on. Had my graduation party. A lot of family came out. Some friends too. My ex showed up for a little bit with her mom. It felt like she didn’t really want to be there. I didn’t think much of it at the time. I didn’t know that would be the last time I ever saw her. 

July – I was in turmoil. Just numb. My ex and I were still texting, and honestly, that made everything worse. I couldn’t move on. Every message just brought the pain back. I don’t remember much else from this month. It all kind of blends together.

August – I started my Discord server. Mostly because I felt alone. I had run servers before that got pretty big, and I liked the feeling of leading a community. Meeting new people gave me something to look forward to. I went no contact with my ex. I finally realized it was never going back to how it used to be. She wasn’t going to love me the same again. That hurt. But it was freeing.

September – My mental state was wonky. Up and down. I went out to dinner with a friend. It was supposed to be three of us, but that didn’t happen. Still, it was nice. Emotionally I was a bit more tame. Things were quiet. Not good, not bad. Just... there.

October – Tried getting back into dating. Got into a long-distance thing with someone I had been friends with for a few months. It didn’t last. She said she wanted to focus on herself, and we drifted apart. It was mutual. I wasn’t hurt by it. Just kind of accepted it.

November – Life felt heavy again. I was stressed. Work, family, everyone pushing me to go back to school. Deep down, I said yes just to get them off my back. I knew I didn’t want to be an electrician. I just didn’t want to argue. Home wasn’t helping either. I live with my half-sister’s grandparents, and sometimes it feels like I’m just... there. Like I don’t really belong. It made me start thinking about moving out.

December – Turned 19. Didn’t feel like much. Just another day. I actually started working at the new store on my birthday, so I didn’t really do anything special. Went on a date. It was okay, but we didn’t click. I wanted more than just surface-level stuff. The new store was a big upgrade. Way more diverse. Smaller department. The vibe was just more relaxed. I liked it there.

January – Started college. My first impression was that it was way more homework-based than high school. Like constant piles of it. I met this girl from California online, just randomly. We started talking more and more, and it turned into a long-distance thing. It got rough fast. She was really back and forth. One day she was super into it, the next she was distant. Messed with my head more than I expected.

February – Classes were still going okay. I wasn’t doing exceptional, but I was passing my tests. Just wasn’t keeping up with all the homework. Still talking to the California girl. She was the only one I was in a talking stage with, and it was still draining me. It felt like I was putting in more than I was getting back, but I didn’t want to let it go just yet.

March – I finished my first class in college, and things just nosedived. Full-on burnout. I was putting in too much time and energy into something I didn’t even want to pursue. I started looking for a way out. I missed working. I wanted to go back full time, maybe move up the ladder. I’ve always liked sales. It felt like something I could see myself doing long-term. I never really talked to anyone about how I was feeling. Everyone’s got their own problems. Didn’t see the point in adding mine to the pile.

Present – I cut off the California girl. It wasn’t going anywhere. I was tired of giving more than I got. I dropped out of college. I knew it wasn’t for me. I couldn’t focus. Couldn’t keep up with the work. I missed my job, missed feeling productive. I left at the right time, stayed long enough to not have to pay my grants back. Went out to lunch with my ex’s mom. It was good to see her again. She said my ex is doing better. It’s bittersweet, but I’m glad. Things feel different now. Not fixed. Just different.

I don’t really know what the next year’s going to look like. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I’ve also grown in ways I didn’t expect. If nothing else, I’ve learned how to keep going, even when things feel uncertain. There’s still a lot I don’t have figured out. But lately, there’s been something, or maybe someone, that makes me feel a little more hopeful.

Maybe that’s enough for now.

Published 09:55 4/14/2025