Trust and Turmoil

I just don't quite seem to get it. Do stable relationships exist? Is the concept of two partners loving and trusting each other feasible? I don't know. It's half past 10 tonight and I just felt like I had to write about this. I'll start off with a current, personal story.

I've been speaking to a girl I met from California for a fair while now. Things were going really well. I feel like we got along great and I really enjoy the time I spend with her. However, in the last couple of days, things have gone downhill rather quickly. It started one night when I opened up about a past relationship I had been in a year prior. This upset her. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I didn't speak poorly of the person I had dated or if it's because they were jealous of the fact that they hadn't had any sort of romantic relationship with anyone outside of the internet. Regardless, I received a text at 2am the following morning from this woman I have been speaking to stating why she was upset, it indeed being a jealously problem. Those were her own words. I, personally, understand this. I did apologize and expressed how I did not mean to upset her. I was not comparing her to anyone or trying to demean her in any way, it was simply where the conversation we were having at the time had lead. She seemed very appreciative of my response.

I went to my class at 8am and then went to work afterwards. The day seemed to go fine. When I arrived home at roughly 10 o'clock that night, I gave her a call. We spoke for a bit and things were going okay- until I opened Snapchat to reply to an image she had sent me. (Some extra information- I have few cameras around my room, one being a facecam, another a keyboard camera. I had my keyboard camera on at the time as a few minutes prior I had showed her the spaghetti I was eating, as she coincidentally was eating spaghetti at the same time!). When I opened the app, she noticed that I had a lot of other users added as I also use the app to do "streaks" with other people I've met. This clearly very clearly upset her. She accused me of speaking to several other women, to which I responded by opening every single snap and explaining who they where. Friend from school, random person I've never spoken to, someone else I've met online, etc. She wasn't having any of it. I tried to get her to express how she was feeling but I was only met with "nothing" or "I'm fine". I went on to do my college homework while still trying to talk to her, she eventually just hung up, texting me that she just didn't feel like calling.

Am I wrong to be upset? Even today- having hardly spoken to her- it still hurts me. This is someone that I have quickly grown fond of and enjoy spending time with, someone whom I trust, yet they can't share that same trust with me? Have I done something bad? It feels as though I am being punished for simply existing. Perhaps that is a dramatic way to put it, but shouldn't everyone be allowed their own social life? Is it wrong to not want to be brought down because I have friends? It's to the point where I'm not even sure what to do. Do I try to constantly reassure her that I only have eyes for her, that I am not romantically interested in other people? Or do I simply cut the ties now, and try not to get any more attached to someone that seems to have absolutely no trust for me.

What hurts the most is how amazing she is. I feel like I have so much to lose without her. I love the way she speaks, I love her eyes, I love how she always seemed to be down to do something with me. Whether it be a game or a movie, she was always okay with it. I love the way that she would ask me when we could call. I love feeling wanted by someone else as much as I want them. So much of my life has been spent putting all of my energy into relationships with people who just don't care to match that effort. I so desperately wish that she isn't one of those people, but I feel as though I have already lost it. Several times she has told me that she feels as though she does not deserve me, that she envies the fact that I have a plan for my future and she does not. I try my best to comfort her. We're both still young- 19, she a few months older than me. There's no reason anyone should have their lives figured out at this age.

I open up too quickly. I grow attached too fast. I trust too easily. I know why, too. I just can't seem to stop it from happening. I didn't have the best upbringing. I was the only adopted kid in the house. I was constantly reminded of that fact. "I have to love my kids- I birthed them. I don't have to love you. That's just a choice" is something I heard all too often growing up. I've never been loved unconditionally. At least, I've never felt that way. I've been through several relationships. My longest, a woman I dated for more than 2 years, ended by simply telling me she did not care how I felt, and that she could not bring herself to put the effort into caring. She told me that she hadn't loved me for a while. I'll be damned.

I seem to be attracted to people as broken I am. Those who were vulnerable and taken advantage of their whole lives, as I was. I feel like we developed differently than the rest of the crowd. More emotionally complex. I feel like- in some odd way- it made us more intelligent. We look at the world in a way most "normal" people don't. The baggage we carry, however, is immense. Abandonment, trust, love, touch... these are things I have issues with. I hate the thought of being alone. Hate it. I've brought myself to the lowest of levels to avoid being alone. I've known some truly horrible people. I regret it. I wish I didn't have such problems. Being content amongst yourself is a power I long for.

I still feel as though there is so much more to say. I often wish I was trusted as easily as I trust others. But- I cannot win. I am somehow on the wrong side of the fence every time. I understand these people and their problems though. I do not hold it against them. To have trust issues is natural had you spent your whole life being betrayed. For others to have that same understanding for me, though, would mean so much. No, I am not going to cheat on you. No, I am not speaking poorly about you to others. No, I did call you as soon as I got home from 16 hours of college and work just because I am playing you. You are important to me. I chose you. I want only you. I do not play this game of putting more on my plate than I can choose. I am content with my single meal. In fact, I am rather full. I am easily satisfied. I am a very simple man with a coat of very complex problems. I just want to be understood.

Published 23:21 1/23/2025